Recently I began to wonder why I was so damn tired, so unmotivated, so bored, so ready to sleep late, so ready to merely watch mindless television, so ready to hibernate and watch the rest of the world go by. Then I got up enough energy to attend the three day Whole Life Experience Retreat with Jane Deuber and John Dulworth. That was the beginning of my wake up call, my AHA! moment, and my journey back to myself. To say it was life changing is an understatement.
Being a part of creating a successful business was exhilarating but tiring, and while I bought into the vision and mission of Alive! (and I still do) it never provided me with the number of coaching clients I had wanted. My dream and passion was, and is, coaching people to have rich, fulfilling, successful, and most of all happy, lives where they contribute positively to our world. When the economic downturn hit, I gave up on my dreams of coaching to put all my energies into saving the business we had. I cut expenses–our bookkeeper, virtual assistant; anything and everything I could do, I did. Once we had ridden out the worst of it , I felt it had become time for me to let go of some of the Alive! duties, hire back help , and re-start my coaching practice. I had some success before, so I was confident it would be fairly easy to do.
For months I have been trying to get my Change the Way You Age group coaching program to take off. It was like pushing a boulder up a hill– 2 inches up, 2 feet back. I could never get the momentum I had previously been able to get when I helped create Alive! Whole Life Fitness Studio with my husband. Creating and building Alive! took us six years and lots of 80-hour work weeks with no vacations, very little fun built in, and finally I was left with a burned out feeling I couldn’t shake.
So, why was it so hard to do that? Why did I sink deeper and deeper into exhaustion? The Whole Life Experience Retreat opened my eyes, my mind, and my heart to what was wrong with this picture, and what was right.
I discovered I was no longer interested in building a big business, an all-consuming business where I had to devote almost my entire life to building it. And the biggest discovery was that I had been running away from my mortality. Yes, I said “mortality” as in death. All my efforts had been to age naturally and powerfully, to put a lot of effort into living longer, healthier, and better. Now that’s an admirable goal–it truly is. I was just using it to avoid seeing I was entering the last quarter of my current life, and acknowledging that my motivations and interests had changed.
I am becoming an elderwoman, a crone, a sage, a wise woman; someone who values balancing “being” with “doing”. I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge my desire for slowing down, for seeing what is present in this moment, for taking time to contemplate and reflect, for sitting quietly and listening to the birds outside my bedroom window. I was afraid my younger, entrepreneurial friends would reject me and see me as merely an old lady who had given up on her dreams. But I had to speak it; I had to start living it.
When I shared my revelation with the participants during the Retreat, I was given love, and caring, and an even deeper connection began. I was supported, accepted, and most of all, included. My fear of rejection was just that, my fear. Jane stepped in and did her magic to help me see what new path there was for me, and where my accumulated wisdom from a lifetime of transitions could best be used. I left the Retreat with renewed energy and a new focus for my coaching. Now I can see the road ahead, and who I will serve with my coaching practice. It is with women in transition; empty nesters looking for new meaning in addition to motherhood; women who are retiring, whether by choice or job loss, who want to design a new life, and women like myself who are entering elderwomanhood and want to chart a path that’s appropriate for them.
There is going to be another Whole Life Experience Retreat at the end of October, and I hope to be there. I’m certain some of my entrepreneurial friends will decide to be there, too. It will change your life — if you let it. Come, be, do!
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